A day like no other

A day like the other
You wake up in pain.
It’s Friday, it’s morning
It’s work come again.

It’s sunny, it’s empty
You’re late for you work
The routine is draining
Becoming a blur

The breakfast, the tea
The morning commute
It’s all well too known
The same ol’, same ol’ route

And yet, it is Friday
It’s freezing but bright
You have a good feeling
And a weekend in sight

You don’t have a penny
But got all that love
It’s Friday, it’s morning
It’s shining above

How the Internet Started

(According to the Bible)

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?”

And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.”

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.”

And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”

“YAHOO,” said Abraham.

And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began.

And that’s the truth.

Dear PC Doctor

Ealing-20130514-00066

Dear PC Doctor,

I am writing with the hope that you will be able to understand my position and provide a suitable care for my beloved.

My Dell laptop is only 4 years and 6 months old. I paid handsome money for it and although the public perception is that dowry is thing of the past, I still do believe that this is a good way to introduce two upright families.

It was love from first sight – him with his mate black cover and Ferrari red lights dashing and dazzling in the late nights when I had to catch up with some paperwork, me – an inspiring high achiever who did the occasional work marathon until the early hours of the morning. (I still remember those jealous looks when we were going through airport security…) He was fast, responsive and very agile. I was totally captivated by him.

But now I feel that he is ageing faster than me.

His health deteriorated rapidly. During his lifetime he underwent a number of technical interventions, resuscitations and reboots. I looked after him and provided a weekly cleaning care with wet antiseptic wipes, anti-virus software and an initial 3 year guarantee (which came in quite handy, keeping in mind that the we had to call the helpline in the first year). I even upgraded his operational system, changed the lights to a more calming blue and refrained from a regular contact and use.

But now I feel that I have explored all options and I will have to retire him. He is becoming non-responsive and dementia is taking hold of him to the extent that I have to awake and re-boot him three to 5 times before he recognise me. He just blinks and the look disappears from his face, I can see his icons becoming mere shadows and waning on the background.

In the past 5 or 6 months he failed to perform on number of occasions and I feel let down and alone.

I don’t know about him but I don’t think this is a healthy way to have a relationship.

And this is why I have started to use internet and look for another partner. I know this is not right and I feel guilty and ashamed, but I need someone reliable, handsome and hardworking, preferably with big hard drive but light weight. It has to be modern, easy to operate and good with children (he will have to get along with my 6 years old son as mandatory). References are very important as I will be checking the reviews thoroughly.

Dear PC Doctor, I hope you do understand my position and help me to find a suitable and retirement home for my dear Dell. If this is not possible, I will have no choice but to ship him to Bulgaria.

Yours truly,

Elena

How to heal a broken heart

How to mend a broken heart
How to stick the fallen leaves on trees
How to unclose the door, unspeak the words
Turn back the clock of time, that is

How to learn to trust again
How to forgive…Do you forget?
To try and not to hate the man
To keep the hope and not the regret

How to unfade the plans we had
Or to undream the dreams we dreamt
For what it was not supposed to be
There never was, to start with

How to collect the broken glass
How not to hurt and to detach
How to collect oneself intact

To start again, I make a pact.

Fantastic letter written by 98 year old lady to her bank

Dear Sirs:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, but when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required.

A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

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